Why do some relationships last, while others don’t work out? Whether you’re in a marriage, a romantic partnership or a long-term friendship, research shows that the happiest and most lasting relationships are “expansive” — meaning the other person makes our lives bigger and more interesting.
Gary Lewandowski, Jr., psychology professor at Monmouth University, created a quiz to help you figure it out. Answer each of these questions with “not very much” or “very much.”
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Question 1 of 10
Does being with your partner or friend result in new experiences?
Not very much
Question 2 of 10
When you are with this person, do they make you feel a greater awareness of things?
Not very much
Question 3 of 10
How much do they increase your ability to accomplish new things?
Not very much
Question 4 of 10
Think about the kind of person you are. Does your partner or friend expand how you view yourself?
Not very much
Question 5 of 10
When you think about this person, do they help you expand your own capabilities?
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Question 6 of 10
Now think about this person’s skills, abilities and talents. Do they compensate for some of your own weaknesses?
Not very much
Question 7 of 10
Has your partner or friend helped you see a larger perspective in life?
Not very much
Question 8 of 10
How much has being with this person resulted in your learning new things?
Not very much
Question 9 of 10
How much does your partner or friend increase your overall knowledge?
Not very much
Question 10 of 10
Has knowing them made you a better person?
Not very muchYou need to answer every question to see your result. You’re missing questions 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.
6 to 10: Highly expansive. You are gaining a lot of new experiences and reaching new goals as a result of your relationship. Chances are you have a happier, more sustainable relationship as a result.
4 to 5: Moderately exciting. Your relationship has led to moderate improvements in your life and some new experiences. But there’s definitely room for improvement.
0 to 3: Low connection. Your relationship is not creating opportunities that help expand your knowledge and make you feel better about yourself. Sharing new experiences with your partner can improve your relationship.
Whatever your score, keep making an effort to share new experiences with your partner or friend, said Lewandowski, author of the book, “Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship...and How to See Past Them.”
“The idea is not ‘you complete me,’” he said. “Our job is to make each other better together than we are by ourselves.”
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About this story
Illustrations by Haruka Aoki. Design by Chelsea Conrad. Editing and art direction by Hannah Good. Design editing by Christian Font. Copy editing by Brian Cleveland.
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